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Hatchet (2006) Review
~Review by Grawlix (November 2024)
Well, I guess I’m definitely on the right site for this one, because Hatchet is definitely a retro film. Retro in the sense that it tries as hard as it can to evoke the spirit of the classic slasher franchises of the 80s. In fact, if I could push the metaphor just a little further, Hatchet aspires to be more of an enhanced remake of sorts, delivering all the thrills and kills that packed theaters every Halloween while attempting to address, as much as reasonably possible, some of the genre’s more egregious shortcomings. It doesn’t always succeed, but more often than not it lands among the stars in the attempt.
It’s Mardi Gras, but Ben (Joel David Moore) isn’t having any fun. Every peal of laughter and supple bouncing pair only serves to remind him of his ex-girlfriend, who dumped him shortly before the story commences. Unable to enjoy the traditional debauchery of the season, Ben decides to seek out a haunted swamp tour, about which he’s heard rave reviews, his reluctant friend, Marcus (Deon Richmond), in tow. Duly they locate… a tour, which starts off lame, and ends abruptly when their boat runs aground. Now caught out off the beaten path in the middle of the swamp, their situation goes from bad to worse when they wander into the territory of the murderous local legend, Victor Crowley, who has not gotten over having been brutally killed in a malicious accident years before, and is not a fan of company. I’ll give you three guesses what his signature weapon is.
Being a slasher film, it’s a foregone conclusion that most of our ill-fated tour group won’t be making it back out of the swamp. And while character development is hardly the specialty of horror filmmaking, Hatchet does its best to inject some real personality into its cast, giving each a few unexpected traits and even something approaching arcs, brief though they may be. From an older couple (Patrika Darbo & Richard Riehle) who refuse to simply become passive cannon fodder (they’re a bit more active, if we’re being honest) to a pair of aspiring actresses shooting a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ style exploitation video (Mercedes McNab and Joleigh Fioreavanti) playfully posing and pouting when the camera is on, while openly detesting each other when it’s off. There’s also their sleazy director (Joel Murray), the jaded tour boat driver (Parry Shen) and a mysterious woman named Marybeth (Amara Zaragoza), all of whom have their own secrets, of varying degrees of significance, as least as it relates to surviving the attacks of a bloodthirsty, supernatural boogeyman. The script does what it can to keep the characters memorable, to treat them as actual characters, with seemingly throwaway lines of dialog coming back around at unexpected times, and trying to have them behave in sensible, rational ways, but as anyone who’s watched Scream can tell you, what makes sense in a horror movie doesn’t necessarily relatably carry over to real life (or vice versa). Likewise, the cast doesn’t always manage to completely hold up their end of the bargain, either. These aren’t amateurs by any stretch, but a quick glance at their resumes seems to suggest few of them are ever in the position to be turning down roles. As such, the performances as a whole could be best described as uneven.
With all that said, decent character work or dialog is more of a bonus in a movie like Hatchet. The real stars of the show are the killer and his kills, and this is clearly where the lion’s share of the effort went. Victor Crowley proves to be a worthy entry into the movie monster pantheon, though his look might be a bit on the derivative side. He could probably be best described as a cross between Leatherface and the Elephant Man, with elements of Sloth from The Goonies and the aliens from Bad Taste thrown in. Between the makeup and prosthetics, it’s an impressively elaborate look given the budget, especially considering the more higher profile monsters like Jason Voorhees and Michael Meyers were just guys wearing masks and boiler suits most of the time, and even Freddy Krueger’s makeup didn’t go much past the neck. But Victory Crowley seems to favor bib overalls, fitting to the setting, and the makeup seems to cover him nearly to the waist. The movie isn’t afraid to show it, either, with his appearances being surprisingly well lit, most of the time. I guess if you’re going to put that much effort into it, you might as well flaunt it a bit.
Obviously, there are plenty of gore effects, and while they are always splashy and elaborate (and resolutely practical, with CGI only being used to erase wires and the like) they’re never really visceral or stomach turning. In fact, I’d venture to say they’re often almost cartoony, more like Mortal Kombat fatalities, which could come as a disappointment to some who like their movie violence a bit more grounded. When Victor deploys a belt sander, apropos of nearly nothing, it did feel like things were maybe tilting a little too far into parody. But the kills are plentiful and definitely never boring, so in that sense the movie definitely gives you your money’s worth.
Writer/Director Adam Green is a lifelong horror movie aficionado. After cutting his teeth making amateur and fan films (sometimes with “borrowed” equipment) and commercials, fronting a metal band and hosting a horror movie podcast (The Movie Crypt, which is still ongoing), he moved to Hollywood, taking odd jobs until he was finally able to secure funding for Hatchet, his first widely released film (on video, that is. It had a brief and very limited theatrical run). Since then, he’s produced three sequels plus various other works including the more serious and well regarded Frozen (no relation to the Disney property, probably) and the quirky, horror-adjacent sitcom Holliston. In other words, he’s a horror superfan who’s basically living the dream. He’s also, by all accounts, a genuine, and genuinely nice, person who never charges for autographs at conventions, is irrepressibly upbeat, and, because of this, has cultivated some unlikely friendships, most notably with Dee Snider, who occasionally pops up in Green’s productions. His general likeability goes a long way towards explaining the high-profile cameos in Hatchet of Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger), Tony Todd (Candyman), and the extended participation of Kane Hodder (the longest serving Jason Voorhees) who plays both Victory Crowley in the makeup, and Victor’s father out of it.
If there’s a knock on Hatchet that isn’t at least indirectly related to its modest budget, it might be that it sometimes feels like a victim of Green’s over-exuberance. I already mentioned that sometimes the kills go a little over the top in the wrong way. Similarly, there are elements of the story that can feel over-engineered. For example, Victor’s backstory has him being born deformed, and being burned in a fire, and taking a hatchet to the face as a young man. Sheesh, no wonder he’s angry. Likewise, some of the dialog tries a little too hard to be witty and meaningful and ends up just skipping right into cringe territory when it could have been avoided by just giving silence a little space.
But these are all sins of enthusiasm, and it’s hard to really fault a movie that tries this hard to be something genre connoisseurs will appreciate. Hatchet is the polar opposite of a stuffy artistic exercise. It is a movie made by fans, for fans, and if you’re a fan of slasher movies, you should get plenty of enjoyment out of what it offers.
Final Grade: B
We’re not reinventing the wheel with this one. Hatchet is another helping of the same bloody pie people couldn’t get enough of during the 80s’ slasher heyday. If you liked it then, there’s no reason why you won’t like it now.